Zack and Reno do Jackass
by Hidden By Shadow
Summary: Zack and Reno have the great idea to go around pranking members of Shinra Electric Power Company and drag Cloud along for the ride.  One-shot.


Zack and Reno Do Jackass

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own Final Fantasy 7 or Jackass, they are the property of Square-Enix and MTV respectively.

SAFETY WARNING: The stunts described in this fiction are dangerous. For your own safety and the safety of those around you, do not attempt these at home. No seriously, don't.

Zack Fair had an idea in his head. Which usually meant one thing. Chaos. Cloud and Reno both sat dumbstruck in the Shinra canteen as Zack uttered the fateful words.

"Let's prank people and film it."

"And who you intending to prank, yo?" Reno asked, cigarette hanging from his mouth, dropping ash all over his wrinkled blue suit.

"Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth mainly, but we can be flexible." Zack said. As soon as the name 'Sephiroth' escaped his lips, the other two's mouth's dropped.

"Prank the General?" Cloud asked quietly, "Isn't that a bad idea?"

"Aw, come on Cloud, it'll be fun!" Zack said happily. "Come on, I've got a camera you can use."

As Cloud adjusted the camera, Zack smiled at it, giving the camera a hundred watt grin.

"Hi, I'm Zack Fair, and this is the water lift." As he finished attaching a second camera to the roof of one of the Shinra elevators, the three of them sprinted off to Reno's dorm room to watch the chaos unfold on his laptop. Soon enough, Genesis and Sephiroth walked into the lift and started talking as it went down towards the lower levels. Since they were using the express lifts, it wouldn't stop after floor fifty. As it passed the floor in question, Zack brought out a remote and pressed a button. The camera relayed the results.

"So, how many Wutai fleas did you kill this time?" Genesis asked calmly. Sephiroth shrugged.

"I don't keep count." Sephiroth answered as a drop of water landed on his head. The drop became a steady dripping. Both men looked upward as the ceiling caved in and water flooded the lift. Up in Reno's apartment, the three men were laughing their heads off. After the two men had walked out, Zack and Reno went to reset the lift for the next unlucky person, leaving Cloud to sit in the room and watch.

They didn't have to wait long for the next victim. Hojo walked into the lift alone and pressed the button for the ground floor. As it passed floor fifty, Reno pressed the remote. Hojo stared at his clipboard as a small blue dot appeared on the paperwork. Like Sephiroth and Genesis before him, Hojo looked upward as the ceiling broke to unleash a tonne of blue gunk. As the three were laughing their asses off, the doors opened on the ground floor and the laptop showed Director Scarlett stepped backward fast as blue gunk poured out of the lift, leaving Hojo standing there covered in the stuff.

"I'll get the next one." Scarlett said as the doors shut.

Running off to set another prank up, Zack took the camera as Reno stood in front of it.

"Hi, I'm Reno Sinclair, and this is the sucker punch." Off screen, Cloud was wrestling with the source of the prank. The camera was set up overlooking the Turks supply closet. Zack and Cloud went off to watch from a safe distance via the laptop. On screen, Reno was heard asking Rude to fetch a new stapler from the supply closet. Surprised at the fact that Reno was apparently filling out paperwork, Rude got up and opened the supply closet door. As soon as he did so, the camera got a perfect shot of a boxing glove on a spring smacking Rude in the nuts, causing Zack and Cloud to laugh so loudly they nearly blew their cover hiding in the canteen. As Rude lay on the floor holding his hands over his crotch, Reno was rolling about on the floor out of laughter.

Angeal and Lazard were both having a bad day. It didn't help that thirty minutes ago both Sephiroth and Genesis, looking like drowned rats, had marched into the director's office while Angeal was getting briefed on his latest mission and demanded that they be allowed to hunt down and kill whichever idiot thought putting a three gallon tank on the roof of the express elevator was a good idea. Then ten minutes later, a blue stained Hojo joined the previous two victims in calling for blood. And for the first and probably last time in his life, Sephiroth agreed with Hojo. On any other day, it would have had Angeal tearing his hair out wondering what the hell Hojo had drugged Sephiroth with. But, apparently there was no need for drugs. Angeal could guess at the cause – a certain raven-haired SOLDIER 2nd class.

Zack held the camera as both Cloud and Reno stood in front of it wearing costumes. Reno was dressed as a scientist while Cloud wore a red tiger costume.

"Hi, I'm Reno Sinclair and this is the wild animal." Reno smiled, Zack went across the lobby as Reno and Cloud stayed in a lift waiting for the first unsuspecting victim. As soon as the doors opened, Cloud jumped on top of the poor soul and glomped them until they fell on their ass. Which, as soon as he did it, he both regretted it and was glad his costume included a mask. Reno's didn't. So, Tseng would no doubt tear Reno a new one. Assuming the head of the Turks could catch him, because as soon as Reno saw who their victim was, he bolted. While Tseng was too dazed to think of grabbing him, Cloud ran off as well. Zack wisely turned the camera off and hid it. He didn't fancy becoming Tseng's next target.

As Tseng rode the lift up to the Turks floor, he wondered why on earth Reno had been dressed like a scientist. And he was pretty sure that Reno had been wearing Hojo's glasses. As the lift doors opened, Tseng noticed Rude holding an ice pack to his crotch.

"What happened?" The stoic leader asked. Rude just pointed to the supply closet, where a boxing glove was still hanging on a spring. "Reno?" Rude nodded.

At the same time as Tseng found Rude, Zack stood in front of the camera. "Hi I'm Zack Fair, and this is the exploding toilet." As he finished saying that, he put a small explosive behind the toilet and ran into another cubicle. The camera was aimed down into the bugged cubicle. Soon enough, Director Palmer walked into the bugged cubicle and sat down. As he stood up to flush the toilet, Zack pressed a remote. The cistern cracked and spewed water all over Palmer as the toilet bowl blew up, sending the unflushed toilet water all over the cubicle. Zack had to use all his self control to not laugh so loud Palmer would undoubtedly hear him.

Reno smiled as Cloud finished attaching the devices onto the legs of Director Lazard's desk. Reno turned to the camera he was holding and grinned.

"I'm Reno Sinclair and this is the head desk." Reno said, before placing the camera in Director Lazard's bookcase. A little while after the two had left, the man himself walked in and sat behind his desk. As soon as he leaned forward to look at the paperwork on his desk, Reno pressed the remote for his little device, a pair of pneumatic springs. The desk shot upwards and towards Lazard, slamming right into his face and breaking both his glasses and his nose.

Having pushed their luck probably beyond their limits, the three men walked through the slums. Cloud was only still around at this point because he would inevitably be blamed for the chaos. Zack made a beeline to the church and started climbing on a nearby support structure to reach the roof. Taking out a pocket camera, Zack stood over the hole in the roof he'd made the last time he'd fallen through it.

"Hi I'm Zack Fair, and this is the flower bed!" Zack grinned, holding the camera facing him as he leaned backward and let gravity pull him on top of the flower bed. Turning the camera around, Zack got a viewfinder full of Aerith Gainsborough glaring at him.

"Zack, what are you doing?" Aerith asked as Reno and Cloud walked in.

"Any chance we can hide out here?" Cloud asked quietly.

"What did you do/say or break to cause this?" Aerith asked, rounding on Zack.

"Don't blame me, it was Reno's idea to booby-trap the Director's desk." Zack stated, pointing at Reno.

"And how does that involve you falling through the roof and onto my flowers?"

"Um, thought it'd be cool." Zack stated, as if that explained everything. "We kinda have been recording pranks all day."

"So, who did you get?"

"Genesis, Sephiroth, Hojo, Rude, Tseng, Palmer and Lazard." Cloud listed off their victims.

"Well, you're gonna have to apologise to the lot of them." Aerith stated, "I'll get the statonary."

"But Aerith..." Zack moaned.

"Don't you 'but Aerith' me young man!" Aerith snapped, "You do the crime, you do the time mister."

While Zack, Reno and Cloud were suffering punishment from Aerith, their victims were in President Shinra's office. All of them were moaning and complaining so fast that neither Shinra, Angeal or Tseng could hear anything. It had now been determined by examining security footage that Zack Fair, Reno Sinclair and Cloud Strife had been behind the pranks, though Zack and Reno seemed to be the masterminds behind it. So it was no surprise that it was their heads the crowd wanted. Angeal shook his head. Zack was definitely getting a lecture.

After the trio of pranksters had finished writing apology letters, Aerith kicked them out of the church, in Reno's case quite literally with Aerith's boot meeting Reno's left buttcheek. As the three walked around the slums, Reno had a great idea for a swansong. As he told the other two, they both grinned at the thought.

"So, it's agreed. Zack has to do a thousand hours of community service and Reno can't leave his desk for a year." Shinra stated, annoyed. The crowd was stopping him going to the Honeybee Inn. As people started to argue, an airplane flew past the tower so fast and so close the office shook and Shinra got coffee all over him. As the plane circled around a small tube was dropped onto the helipad. Angeal walked out and retrieved the tube. Inside it were three piece of paper. All of which had a similar theme. It seemed that the pranksters had decided that doing a flyby was a great final prank.


End file.
